unwasted

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My head sank into my arms.

My mind was trapped, stuck in the darkness of table crumbs.  Another night, another long night.  I looked at the clock, set to strike seven, to sing Amazing Grace as it does every hour on the hour.  It was time for him to leave, but first a kiss and a parting word:

“It’s never as bad as it seems.”

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“Therefore we do not lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.”
~2 Corinthians 4:16~

Around eleven this morning I forced myself to eat.

I had the cauliflower soup I never ate for supper last night. There still isn’t much to my appetite.  Most days I simply do not feel hungry.  By the afternoon, before the big kids come home, I usually eat something if I haven’t by then.  The other day I had two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I didn’t mean to eat two, but the first one tasted so good, I made another one just for the joy of it.  That’s the thing, I still enjoy food, even if I don’t desire it.

But this evening at supper I couldn’t eat again.

I sat and stared at my plate.

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But today I decided darkness is not going to rule my life.

Every day is different but every day I have to start with that.  Today I forced myself to eat and shower after three days without either.  Another day I might have to force myself to make a phone call or sing a song.  Another day I might have to put on the boys shoes and coats and go for a walk.  Another day I might  have to go ahead and wipe the crumbs off the table.  There is no silver bullet.  There doesn’t appear to be a consistent rhyme or reason to the madness.

But that’s the thing.  Looks can be deceiving.  And the clock strikes seven.

“Amazing grace how sweet the sound…”

He’s right.

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It’s never as bad as it seems.

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