My head sank into my arms.
My mind was trapped, stuck in the darkness of table crumbs. Another night, another long night. I looked at the clock, set to strike seven, to sing Amazing Grace as it does every hour on the hour. It was time for him to leave, but first a kiss and a parting word:
“It’s never as bad as it seems.”
“Therefore we do not lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.”
~2 Corinthians 4:16~
Around eleven this morning I forced myself to eat.
I had the cauliflower soup I never ate for supper last night. There still isn’t much to my appetite. Most days I simply do not feel hungry. By the afternoon, before the big kids come home, I usually eat something if I haven’t by then. The other day I had two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I didn’t mean to eat two, but the first one tasted so good, I made another one just for the joy of it. That’s the thing, I still enjoy food, even if I don’t desire it.
But this evening at supper I couldn’t eat again.
I sat and stared at my plate.
But today I decided darkness is not going to rule my life.
Every day is different but every day I have to start with that. Today I forced myself to eat and shower after three days without either. Another day I might have to force myself to make a phone call or sing a song. Another day I might have to put on the boys shoes and coats and go for a walk. Another day I might have to go ahead and wipe the crumbs off the table. There is no silver bullet. There doesn’t appear to be a consistent rhyme or reason to the madness.
But that’s the thing. Looks can be deceiving. And the clock strikes seven.
“Amazing grace how sweet the sound…”
It’s never as bad as it seems.