the mixed emotions


My happiest times as a mom are when my children are happy and playing and happy while playing.  These days after Christmas I’ve loved watching them with their old and new toys. I love love love when we’re all home and warm and everyone is happy and getting along.

Before lunch they came into my bedroom with smiles on their faces.  The overflowing backpacks told me they were up to something.  I was sitting on our bed, waiting to hear about their plans, ripping apart old rags that had gotten tangled up in the dryer. I could tell their minds were made up at this point.  They weren’t coming to ask my permission.

They were coming to let me know.  They were heading out for a day in the woods.  They’d already been building a shelter out by the chapel.  They’ve got their sleeping bags and box of crackers.  They’ve got all the survival books I’ve been buying them here and there for birthdays and Christmas.  They’ve got pocket knives and the hatchet for cutting wood.

Something tells me I need to let them do this.  I didn’t say no and I didn’t tell them to put away their laundry first.  I found them all some wool socks and helped fill the water bottles after they came back when they realized they’d forgotten water.  I suggested they take Dad’s oceanic tarp to break the wind since it sounds like the gods are howling out there.

They’ve been out in the cold for five and a half hours.  I’ve checked on them twice, just long enough to see if they were alright and to notice the charred lightening struck tree standing thirty feet away from their camp.  They told me they’re planning on spending the night out there.  They’ve got their sleeping bags and flashlights and stuff to make a fire.

It’s getting dark outside now.  There’s a ham in the crockpot in case anyone decides to come in for supper.  They said they’d definitely be in before breakfast.  Everything in my marrow is begging me to go out there and declare that it’s time to come in for the night.  It’s the fear in me.  So I’m just going to cry here right now for a second.


I’m gonna go check on the ham now.

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