a long thaw

“For all the bleeding ways my heart has been torn into halves of Before and After, I would do it again. I would do it again. There is no explanation for this besides love.”
~L.K. Fanucci, mothering spirit, the journey of the magi~

Life is so weird sometimes.

my college roomate came out for a wonderful visit today.  we haven’t seen her since her wedding, when our twelve-year old son was only an infant.  she and her husband actually met at our wedding.  we roomed for a year out in good old seward nebraska.  she was dating jake at the time, who hadn’t yet met tara.  that’s how i got to know her, because she was dating my boyfriend’s best friend.  things didn’t work out for jake and lydia.  it was for the best.

her visit aroused the frozen sea of emotions.  as soon as she left that feeling came back.  it’s that feeling you get when you sift through old pictures, when you see that person you used to know, when the deep and lasting friendships have tipped over the iceberg into the richness of your life, when you call up your grandma and thank her for all the christmas presents as your heart is aching for the grieving friend in omaha who had to bury a baby today.

norma and i say how we’re gonna get to writing.  we really mean it this time.  we’ve always meant it.  she’s gotta write about her forty years ago endings.  i’ve gotta begin my solemn tribute.  i said to my husband this morning we’ve gotta bring this sewing machine out of our bedroom, the one norma gave me, out into the mud room where we can see and use it again. time has that way, of winning over anger, of springing up all of my love and affection.

i haven’t missed them enough.  that’s not the burden of guilt, it’s the coldness of truth.  there’s only a scattered few who know, really know, how much i couldn’t miss them right away–not that i’m the one they miss and here i am still the one handed the gift. we packed up and left.  we just up and left them and that’s the way it had to be.  if i had a way to let them know, i’d let them know, it wasn’t them.  honest to God it wasn’t them.

he did it all for us.  all that he died for us and how many times have i gotten over it?  how the cross crossed my mind when i wondered as the soldier passed by through the miles of american flags, when the legions of motorcycles lined the streets, when the tough guys with the tattoos and soft hearts refused to come eat and get warm in order to allow more room for friends and family, because there’s not enough love in the world to burn away the pain.

that’s what he gave us Jesus for.

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