Sometimes you just want things to be easy. I spent an hour of my morning trying to upload a simple picture, all for a blog I wasn’t sure I even wanted to come back to. If there’s one sure way to make me question a course, it’s to encounter a bump in the road.
Somewhere along the way, I picked up the message, or created one in my mind, that the way of following God would be easy. A life of ease isn’t why I wanted to follow Christ. I didn’t think, “Hmm, considering all the possible options, this one looks like the easiest.”
It was much less calculated than that.
I loved God. I wanted to be where God was.
Sometimes you need to get away for a while. I go through times where I feel the need to retreat. The Internet world feels frightening at times, and I don’t like the feeling of being out in the open or overexposed. I feel safer when I’m not putting myself out there.
As my children grow, I feel like I’ve gained a higher standard of privacy. I feel called as their mother to protect them, and not to leave them exposed to the elements. A mother nurtures her young by keeping them close and hidden. Her work is carried out in secret.
What’s happening here is holy, and even as the hard moments continue to come, the beautiful moments seem too sacred to share. I’ve been in a continuous state of quiet, just taking it all in. Every day I still can’t believe it. Every day I feel thankful to God.
I’ve used the word “feel” or “feeling” seven times since I began. This is the way I talk, and it’s something I want to accept about myself, without overthinking it. I cannot overthink my way out of who I actually am. I feel things. I sense things. I want things.
I can also be very wrong about things. I can’t obey every feeling or desire. And yet, I know that every feeling and desire I have isn’t wrong. I don’t always know how to tell the difference. I have God’s commandments. I know to test the spirits. I have the Word.
After an hour of trying to get my picture uploaded, the picture is blurry, it is what it is. I wasn’t here so much to share pictures, but to share words. I felt like I needed to go away for a while, so I did. I felt like I needed to come back, at least for a while, so here we are.