hopes and dreams

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I never know what’s going to show up when I show up and sit down to a blank page.  The past few mornings, I’ve haven’t slept very well, and have woken up confused about what day it is.  Yesterday I thought it was Saturday.  It was actually Tuesday.  I don’t remember what I thought today was.

My husband and I were talking the other day, and I asked him if he was looking forward to the end of the summer.  He said not really.  Summer is his busiest time, but it’s a systematic kind of busy.  The rest of the year for him is more random, and it’s the randomness that he doesn’t look forward to.

For me it is the opposite–at least since we moved here.  Summer is the randomness and the rest of the year is systematic and more structured.  The randomness really does start to mess with your head, and I think decreases your sense of satisfaction and purpose in life.  I understand because I lived that life for almost ten years.

There’s a part of me that keeps waiting for a light bulb to go off.  I keep waiting for him to say something like, “Oh my goodness, wow.  This is what it was like for you all those years. This is what you were always trying to tell me.” It seems like though, the more you want or beg someone to sympathize, the less they actually do, though I’m sure my crying and yelling wasn’t helping my cause.

I wonder though, if God allowed that period of life, not so he would sympathize with me then, but so I could sympathize with him now.  It feels good when someone understands how you feel.  It also feels good when you help someone feel better.  It doesn’t even need to be something we talk about all the time, but something that guides my steps.  Maybe this is my chance to use what I’ve been through to be encouraging and supportive in ways I’ve always wanted to be but was unable to do when my life was so random.

He is the one who has largely helped to stabilize my life (and God, obviously).  Whenever I talk to people about our early years together, when we were getting to know each other, I tell them there was one main word that would come to my head when I described him, and that word was Stable.  He was stable, something I wasn’t, and that was the primary thing that attracted me to him.

He brought stability to my life.

I just want to bring joy to his.


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