March 4, 2018…I’ve been inspired by Ruth Bell Graham and her life. I’m surprised I’ve never heard looked into her more. She seems like a fun lady, and a woman who genuinely sought after God.
cry if you must
but privately cry
the heart will adjust
~Ruth Bell Graham~
March 6, 2018…Billy Graham says if he could go back and do life over he’d spend more time in study and prayer. It’s amazing to me to think about how much he’s seen in his life. Wow. What’s also amazing is how much the world didn’t change. The world got worse. I wonder if that was hard for him at all, growing old and watching things only get worse. My sister says he’s been a “has been” for a while. For me he’s an “always will be.”
March 7, 2018…The boys and I had fun tonight. The three big kids are with Dad at a church service. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world being snuggled up on the couch, reading books with them. They came in tonight just as I was writing because they were scared in the living room. I told them they could come sleep in my bed with me until Dad and the big kids got home. Thank you, Lord, for my children.
March 10,2018…”Remove vexation from your heart, and put away the pain from your body, for youth and the dawn of life are vanity.” ~Ecclesiastes 11:10
My life has been spent, far too long, in a state of vexation. I get easily frustrated with every little thing that “goes wrong”. This verse tells me I can remove vexation from my heart. I t doesn’t need to be there! There will always be things going wrong. Such is life! “The days of darkness will be many”, but let it be so! There is no sense fretting over the inevitable. Rather, let your heart be glad. Rejoice in the darkness and in the light.
I’ve been aware, the last several years, of my transitioning age. I’ve known nothing but youth my entire life, from childhood, to teens, to twenties, to even early thirties. But where I am now is different. It isn’t youth and isn’t heading that way. Time travels not backwards. I’m entering places I am unfamiliar with, stages I have never been in.
The lines on my face have bothered me. My weakening body has bothered me. The loss of “beauty” and “youth” has been bothering me for a while. I don’t want to “let myself go”, but I don’t want to dwell so heavily or fix my mind or efforts on trying to “preserve” what is already on its way out. Let me focus instead–this is my prayer now–on cultivating qualities that can only continue to develop and deepen, and grow in their loveliness. Let me be delightful, full of delight.
The friendship of the LORD
is worth more
than a thousand friends
I miss them–
but I am okay
He loves me back.
March 23, 2018…I’m losing my sentimentality with age. This morning I walked into the schoolroom and was greeted by the smell of cat urine. I do not think for one minute that I will miss living in a chronically disgusting house. I will miss the LEGOS, the blankets, the maddening messes that come with daily living, but I will not miss the hopeless feeling of a house that’s never clean and unfit for any other human beings to live and be at peace and ease, or feeling like I’m the only one who can do anything about it.
April 1, 2018…On Friday I told the kids I was dreaming of a white Easter.
It snowed today!
I had hoped in my heart
that before winter left
She might sing for me
The Spring doesn’t know
what she’s missed
these long months
Winter is my friend.
Spring only pretends to be.
I thank you, my Heavenly Father
for sending this, the snow
for You, You only did know
how I’d hoped in my heart
April 15, 2018…The boys are getting so big. I tucked them in tonight and sang to them, hoping to calm their energetic demeanor. I do not feel yet that motherhood has passed by fast, but I do see now how it, indeed, is passing by.