nothing personal

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School has started back up again, and I’d say the first week went really well, despite the fact that I still cried at least three out of the five days (not in front of the kids).  We are going on our third full school year of homeschooling, and when I first began, I wondered how long it would take me to get to the point where the magic had worn off.

I’m not there yet.

My biggest stipulation about the whole thing was that it had to be a mutually beneficial experience.  I wasn’t going to force any of them to do it, particularly the bigger ones, if they were only going to miserable.  I wasn’t going to tell myself that I had to soldier on through and keep doing this if I was going to be miserable 85% of the time.

Homeschooling is very much a CHOICE that I have made, and at any time, I maintain the choice, the option, the freedom to make a different choice based on what I think to be best for the situation.  This was the first summer where I, for a lengthy period of time, questioned whether or not homeschooling would be the best choice again.

I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to just about anything in life.  My INFP personality side (half INFP, half ENFP) is one of peace and idealism, and when the same two kids are bickering for the 8th straight year in a row, I can get to such a place of pain and despair.

I’ve long considered happiness and joy to be two of my most valuable assets.  But IN THOSE MOMENTS when my family seems immune and unchanged by my cheer, when I realize, yet again, my own limitations to be or make everything and everyone perfect, a deep sadness rushes in to fill the void of disenchantment.

I can already tell that this is the year I must learn to become immune to my own self.  As someone who lives so fully in the moment, I can’t give moments all the power to consume me.  It really doesn’t have to be so painful.  Let the great moments be great, the good moments be good, and the awful ones be just a passing moment in time.

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