white space

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It seems writing has taken a backseat these days.  People talk about white space and margins, and by the time I’ve done the things I need to do, combined with some extra things I’d like to do, it hasn’t left me much margin for writing.

I got discouraged a while back, and after that point, I “set the pen down”.  Too many revisions, too many rejections, not enough reward for the hours caused me to take a step back and say, “You know, I think I’m going to be done for a while.”

So I ripped up our living room carpet, in anticipation of getting some dark, wood-looking, laminate floors.  We’d gone to visit my sister-in-law, and while we were there, I became a fan of her Norwex dry-mop.  All I needed was laminate flooring.  For months I’ve been bringing home the samples of flooring from Menards.  Long story short, we decided we didn’t have the money right now, but that was after I’d already thrown out the carpet.

My husband was like, “I don’t know, what if we just leave it like this?”  I looked at the floor and kinda liked the idea.  Even Ma Ingalls never had it this good.  As different as we are on some things, neither one of us were raised as fancy-type people, and I don’t even know what I mean when I say that, except to say that we’re the type of people who would both, for the most part, be fine with just leaving our living room floor as plywood.

The reward is there at least.

 

the senate vote

The Senate voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.  At any other point in my life I would have seen this as a victory.  The conservatives now rule the court 5-4.  Maybe now, after all of these terrible, awful years, maybe now our country will stop killing babies.

I feel like whatever we gained wasn’t worth it.

If you’re innocent, you’re innocent.  If you’re guilty, you’re guilty.

The only scenario where I can see this as victory is if he was innocent.  He didn’t do it.  Ford was wrong in accusing him of sexual assault.  She either lied or misidentified.  But why, then, still, does this winning scenario still not feel like a proper relief?

If he was guilty, if he did it, and Ford was telling the truth in her statements, but there was no evidence to support her claims of assault, then that doesn’t make him innocent to me.  If he is guilty of sexual assault, and got away with it–the Law failed someone.

But we have our majority now

So it’s okay?

I don’t know why I was more naturally inclined to believe Ford, even though with suspicion, that Kavanaugh had sexually assaulted her in their teens.  Maybe it’s because I’m actually a woman, and past the point of wanting to impress the conservative men with my pro-men conservative political opinions. The idea of a man harming a woman seems to me worse than the other way around, like an unspoken natural law has been broken.

Do I think that the sins of our youth ought to haunt us for life and hold the power to destroy our lives even decades later? No, I don’t.  But is that because I love Kavanaugh, or because I love myself?  I hope it’s because I know God still loves and has mercy on me.

I believe in forgiveness.  If he did it, and got away with it, that doesn’t change the fact that Kavanaugh is forgiven.  If Christine Blasey Ford lied, breaking the commandments by bearing false witness against her neighbor, then I believe that she, too, is forgiven.

If it is true, like I have heard some say, that something definitely happened to her, it just wasn’t Kavanaugh who did that “something” , then still her attacker is out there, somewhere.  There is forgiveness for him, and God still loves and sees Christine Ford.

I don’t know what to do with all of this cultural sexual turmoil.  Recently, when talking to a psychologist, he said, “Listen.  Men tend to begin naive and they tend to end naive.”  I asked later on then, how women tend to begin and to end.  In fitting conversational context, he said, “Women tend to begin emotional, and they tend to end emotional.”

May the women find peace and the men find knowledge.

May the world find rest in a Love that overcomes.

May the unchanged heart inside us never be our fate.