so will I

Spring always finds me in a lack of readiness to wake up.  The kids are already fishing, playing baseball in the yard, and I’ve thoroughly deep cleaned the entryway shoe closet.  The cats are spending more time in the woods and this time of year I take care to make sure that all nine of them get their Resolution flee treatments.  Tom had been our latest addition until winter when the neighbors from across the road moved and left Ghost.

My body feels tired, heavy, and slow.  Camp traffic has been steadily increasing over the past several weeks, and soon, the morel mushroom hunters will be out in full force. There’s kind of an honor system payment method around here, and three times today people have knocked on our door with money to put toward their weekend stay.  It’s weird sharing your home with random strangers, and at the same time, I don’t mind it.

If winter is the time when all the kids are home for Christmas, spring is the time they again begin to leave the nest. It really doesn’t matter what season it is.  Today I’m feeling that acute pain of time’s passing.  It comes and goes. This past week my daughter and I went to to spend a few days with my sister who’s just had her fourth baby.  Little Eoin (pronounced “Owen”) quickly found a place in my heart.  There aren’t many things that I can claim a level of mastered skill, but caring for newborns is a world I deeply know.

My sister texted me a picture of Eoin today, and already, in a matter of days, he’s changed.  I’m not sure why the changing of our children induces painful tears at times. My mom cried when putting away my baby sister’s pink and purple newborn clothes. I can remember with my youngest three boys, being so intimately familiar with the changes of their faces, knowing that this is the one week-old look, then the two-week old look, etc.  I would stare at their faces just trying to keep them forever in my heart.

It’s not all sad though.  Just this morning after church, while he was standing in the doughnut line, I noticed my son’s eyes were closer to mine than they’d recently seemed. He is only now about a half an inch shorter than me, and by the end of the summer, maybe even before, he’ll be taller I’m sure.  This change makes me nearly giddy with delight and wonder.  His hands and his feet are bigger than mine, his calves are thicker than mine, his voice, gradually, is on its way to becoming very different from mine.

You all are so patient to let me talk about these things.  I know I tend to cycle through the same old themes again and again. I wish I could sit down and hear you talk about all that God is doing in your life and how much you are blessed.  Life is so much fun, friends.





Aslan’s high country

The past several years have been ones of accepting what is and moving on with my life.  I’m tired of fighting against what life has to offer.  Last fall when I was attempting to run for a meager two miles, I thought to myself, “You know what it is?  You know why I’m miserable running like this?  It’s because I’m tired of doing hard things alone.”

I get the feeling that the word “self-help” is kind of frowned upon in Christian language.  I understand.  It’s because when it comes to our salvation there was nothing we could do to help ourselves.  We were completely dependent on God to act on our behalf.

But living on earth, life has been an experience of realizing that nobody else is here to do my job for me or with me.  There are no other wives around here to be a wife with. There are no other mothers around here to be a mother with and teach my kids with.

I’m talking about “the daily grind”.  I’ve thought to myself, “Growing up, I was constantly surrounded by siblings and people.  We detassled together, walked to school together, rode the school bus together, survived and adapted through childhood together. ”

God is growing me up by myself.  Things like self-discipline, self-command, self-dependence are attributes I can no longer can fight or lack.  I am responsible for my own life and I am being forced to change for the better no matter how painful or lonely it is.

This, friends, is actually really good news.  We do not need to fear the changes God has for us.  We simply need to watch and be amazed at the ways His perfect will is working out in our lives.  His perfect will has always been the work of reconciling all of the world unto Himself, knowing only in Christ alone could we come to a knowledge of the Truth.