best life now

Some of my biggest regrets involve ruining moments that didn’t need to be ruined.  After Brandon died, we had a house-warming party for my sister here at camp.  We held it on the day they were supposed to get married.  My mom, my sisters, and a handful of Liz’s close friends were there.  It was a time to acknowledge the day and be together.

A gentle rain fell throughout the entire afternoon and we all thought heaven had tipped its hat to our sadness. By the end of the weekend, I remember being completely annoyed with my mom.  I don’t remember now what she had done, said, or didn’t do or say.  The land of my insides made its way to boiling temperatures, and at the end of the weekend, when my mom was pumping gas at the nearby gas station, I completely blew up.

My anger is tied to the hurt of unmet needs.  I ruin relational moments with that hurt.  After that incident we eventually parted on settled down terms, but I was left with a flood of regret wondering why this hurt had insisted on being heard, and most of all, UNDERSTOOD.  As if me blowing up and being angry about every unmet need in my life had the power to change it and make it all better. I let my grudges dampen the days.

Something did change though after that weekend.  I didn’t want to ruin any moments anymore.  I had gotten a chance to spend time with my mom.  Why hadn’t I enjoyed or been thankful for that?  I love my mom and all the ways of her strangeness.  I want to bring her joy, not sorrow, in her life. I didn’t ever want to be angry or mad at her again.





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