We ended up sleeping at my in-law’s house last night. I called my mother-in-law and asked if they’d mind if we came over for the night. They didn’t mind at all, and in fact, I think they were glad. The kids spread out to work on puzzles, paint pirate masks, and watch the baseball game. I curled up with a book and had a good night’s rest.
Since I was in town, which means the drive was only half as long, I went to the Y early this morning. Another homeschooling mom and I have met there in the mornings a few times. We spend time in the pool and get plenty of time to talk. I came out feeling completely refreshed and ready to start the day. The morning light was beautiful.
I’m feeling a pull toward the outside world. I don’t know what it is, but that feeling of “needing more” has been visiting me lately. What is it exactly, that I am needing more of? Motherhood has primarily been an endeavor of running on empty, on low, on never enough. I’m looking around at the kitchen counter crumbs again like, “WHY???”
How is it I’m still here doing this? Why do I continue to choose this life? How much could I have done, how much money could I have made, how many more hours of a clean house or adult interaction could I have enjoyed? When I get to a place of growth and abundance, I turn around and fervently pour it all back into my home and family.
I’m sensing another one of those internal shifts. The last one had to do with turning 30, with trying to make sense of all that had happened in the previous decade of my life. God-willing I’ll be turning 37 this year which basically means I’m almost 40. I’d love to write more, dance, and learn to play the piano. I simply can’t fit it all into my life.
My main August goal was to start well with school and I feel like we did that. My September goal was to continue to be consistent with the homeschool routine, as well as to solidify a structure for one of my boys who I feel is needing extra help. We signed him up for the 9-month (minimum) Kumon reading program in our area. I think he likes it.
I feel so thankful. Again I feel completely blessed to even have money to use for such a thing. I do sometimes wish we had more, but I’ve always, always, ALWAYS had enough. Our Y membership is supposed to run out at the end of this month, but now I’m questioning letting it go. I don’t use it enough, but when I do, I’m glad that I did.
The kids are wanting to make peanut butter cookies. I keep telling them “I’ll be there in a minute, I’m almost done”. I just have to think of a title, I tell them. “What’s it about?”, they ask and they gather. I really don’t know. It’s hard for me to know when to pursue that calling you feel and when to simply smile, dream and dream, and walk away.