I got up at 5 with my husband’s alarm. I haven’t slept with an alarm since high school. In my one year of college away from home, classes and chapel kept me getting up. Once back home for college close to home, the 8AM speech class kept me getting up. One married, my 6AM start time in the kitchen for work kept me getting up, and I don’t remember it, but I can’t imagine not having an alarm to wake me up for that. I just got done saying that I haven’t slept with an alarm since high school, but as I think about it more, I don’t believe that could possibly be the case. Sometimes the memory fails us.
I emptied the counter of the remaining stale Christmas sweets, and filled up the garbage bag with aluminum containers and unneeded papers. I took down the stockings that were hanging in the still dark dining room and replaced them with the Happy Birthday sign for my son who’s turns 11 today. He’s a very sweet child and I’ve often thought he has the God-gift of cheerfulness. He also likes to build things and work with his hands.
I want to be free from this terrible feeling of frustration over lack of accomplishment in my life. My sister and I were chatting last night, continuing our plans to begin this Whole30, and I know I’ve been obsessing too much over “results”. Like she said, we want to be good stewards of our bodies while we’re alive, but it doesn’t need to become an idol. But I also get frustrated feeling like I’m constantly having to surrender achieving in lieu of contentment. And then its like I use contentment as a cop-out for not having to try.
Last month while carrying on two texting conversations at once, one with my two sisters, and another with the mom of one of my daughter’s camp friends, I accidentally texted this to the mom, who is a lite-friend and neighbor, but not someone I’d ever shared any kind of struggles with,
“I just need some kind of mindset shift that does not involve the concepts of achievement, success, accomplishment, etc to determine the validity and “on-trackness” of my life. Because no matter what I do, I always end up in the same spot: that all is vanity and meaningless, a pointless chasing after the wind.”
Since we’d only just been talking about times, rides, and youth group arrangements, she asked if I’d meant to send that message to her and the answer was an embarrassed but still thought it was funny, “No!”
It’s almost 7, and their is light in the sky. My husband is working on his email inbox after two weeks away from it. My son is up and working on his lunch, looking forward to his return to school. I want to finish getting the birthday pictures and decorations up.
A blessed Monday to you, friends.