mid-year resolutions

This morning I said, “Screw it. I’m eating a piece of toast.” In these seven plus years since not being being pregnant, I’ve been trying to figure out how my body acts now. I gained 50+ pounds with each of my pregnancies with most of the weight arriving in the fourth through sixth months. In the first trimester with my first, the doctor told me I needed to gain more weight because then I’d barely gained a pound. I left my appointment resolved to eat more food, returning to work that day and eating three bowls of Rice Krispies in addition to whatever I cooked for the residents.

When I gained so much weight that second trimester I was happy, feeling as though I’d done my job. Little did I realize that it wasn’t actually the cereal or any of the food I’d puked up in those prior three months. This was just what my body did. I tried not to gain 50 pounds with the others, eventually ditching most cereal and cheap carbs altogether, but in each second trimester, 14 pounds, then 16 pounds, then 7 pounds and on it went with each prenatal check-up as the weight came back. My body always dropped back down to my pre-pregnancy weight with the exception of the last one.

I was happy about this too, because according to any chart I’d started out underweight. I nursed my first four babies for 21 months, 15 months, 18 months, and 20-ish months. Once I got past the initial months of pain, breastfeeding was perfect until I was pregnant again. Then it again began to hurt, and my body felt sickly, like it was breaking down and couldn’t keep up. I’d always kind of wanted to nurse two babies at once, but when that sickly phase came I was ready to be done. That breaking down phase never came with my last one, and I happily nursed him for four sweet years.

Lately I’ve been frustrated with my latest unsuccessful attempts to lose the same familiar few excess pounds. I’m not sure why it feels like every goal in my life requires 20-30 years of unwavering patience. I’ve thought I really just need to be content with my body, treat it right, and not try to make into something it’s not. I’m just wondering as a woman if you ever reach a point of peace, where you truly do accept yourself, free of discontent and unhappiness without change. May God bless you in whatever goals you’re pursuing today, friends. I pray they are worthy, and I pray you succeed.

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