Not that I’ve always followed it by any means, but as time goes on I’ve kind of had this rule with myself that if I can’t say something faithful, don’t say anything at all. Since the election I’ve written here almost every day, but have not been able to bring myself to say any of it out loud. Unless you’re somebody I live with or used to live with, words on outside world matters do not flow as freely. This time of year I’ve usually been playing my favorite Christmas album, Christmas night: Carols of the Nativity, for over a month. That’s still true of this year, but I’ve also had a lot more on my mind.
With the craziness of this year, I’ve been trying to not to get too involved mentally with it, to maintain a heart and attitude of compassion toward people. With restaurants, bars, and schools closing down again, my husband has been fielding emails from church members. He never tells me who they’re from, but he does sometimes tell me about the concerns people are having. I’m feeling like I can no longer ignore the mental side of the past year’s issues, the side that keeps telling me I truly can’t believe my eyes. Even more than uncertainty, the cognitive dissonance is driving me crazy.
Maybe I just needed to come to terms with that here, to say out loud I’ve not been a pretty ornamental ball of patience, certainty, and faith in all of this. I’m ready to go back to normal, friends, back to living without angst or eyerolls over the latest barrage of toxic news, back to less time on my phone and more time with my husband and kids, back to cleaning out closets and thinking about Christmas, back to praying for all people according to their needs, back to walking into church without all of us there wearing these stupid masks, back to trusting in Jesus as the Lord and Savior of the world.